I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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