The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
