you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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