i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
whose parrot is this?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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