I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
