What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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