The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize