I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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