you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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