his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I had to cum in my sink.
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