i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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