No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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