Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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