the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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