Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
