based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
