I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
