areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think my fart just growled at me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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