if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
