Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
