This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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