i think my mom watched the whole time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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