Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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