I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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