I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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