Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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