I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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