I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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