I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
