what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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