i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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