I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
