Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize