be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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