so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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