I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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