I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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