I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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