i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
