3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
