mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ok first of all what the fuck
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
