remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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