haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
