someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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