I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
