i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
