No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
