Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
