hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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