He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
