I will die if light touches me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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