no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
