alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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