she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
