Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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