I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
