Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
