So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
