I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize