I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
