last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
